Jupiter's Tanking (Spoilers)

Worst of 2015?

Oh Jupiter Ascending, What a boring mess you are. I went to see this last night with a friend; we had won free tickets. Thank heavens I didn't pay for this movie, which is basically a piece of shit. The only positive thing about this movie is that it’s such a dull and annoying mess, it feels twice its length. Good value for investment I guess. 

What happens in the movie? Well Mila Kunis plays Jupiter, the reincarnation of a space female Conrad Hilton/Princess Diana (although at no point is it explained how that happened) Her kids are trying to gain more power by acquiring planet Earth (which belongs to their dead mom/Mila Kunis) to transform people into money. Since the movie is “subtle”, time is money, so people are harvested and transformed into goo that is time and that is the space currency (what? ) The only people who seem to have money/time are those three siblings. The rest of the people are bureaucrats, robots and cops and it doesn’t seem like they would benefit from having this type of currency at all. What are they going to do with more time? More work? The guy who processes insurance claims for a living seems like he would be in eternal misery (which is a thing the movie actually makes a point of showing in a 12 minute sequence of boredom). Anyway, somehow the siblings know she’s alive and hire Channing Tatum to get her back. Channing Tatum plays a Space Marine/ Angel Wolf who lost his wings after attacking someone and ripping out their throat. He must retrieve Mila Kunis for one of her space millennial children in order to get his wings back. His only motivation is to get his wings back so he can fly again. Even though he can already fly due to his gravitational space rollerblades (or ice skates?). In fact, through most of the movie`s action pieces, which take place in cramped corridors, he wouldn’t be able to use his wings. So there’s that. 

It doesn’t matter what happens in the movie. You’ve seen this story unfold a thousand times before. In fact, you can watch it right now in under 3 minutes, because the Bros at Warner posted a trailer which is the entire story in chronological order minus the ending. This is a generic “regular person is a special person, but all they really want to do is be normal” story except this time, Channing Tatum is shirtless! He’s a space angel wolf! This time, it’s dumber and LOUUUUUUUD! It took exactly 49 seconds and 2 lines of dialog for me to figure out this movie was going to be a contender for worst movie of 2015. There are so many dumb things in there I don’t even have enough time or energy to describe them all. I was bored and annoyed the entire run time. One scene has one of the siblings, technically Mila Kunis` son (so many layers), trying to trick her into marrying him so that he can keep her safe. He keeps repeating that ,outside of Earth, marriage isn't about love, it's about politics, so she reluctantly agrees. Yet the VERY NEXT SCENE, she is wearing this expensive luscious dress in front of thousands of people with petals falling from the sky and it's the most over-the-top wedding ceremony in cinematic history instead of a small civil service where they just sign documents. Which isn't too crazy to believe because before the marriage, there is 12 minute long sequence where she actually HAS TO SIGN PAPERWORK AT CENTRAL `BUREAUCRACY`. 

The worst thing about this movie is that, in spite of all the craft that went into making it, the story ruins the entire thing. There is a really neat action scene in Chicago, but it lasts for so long that it actually becomes a frustrating, boring, tensionless, consequence-free scene, as it never seems to freaking end. And just like this, all of the craft and magic of storytelling just evaporates because we don't care about the characters or the plot or anything else. 

I would strongly encourage everyone to avoid this stupid Hollywood film. Do NOT waste your money on this. You, as a person, whoever you may be, deserve better than this. I don’t know you, yet I know, from the bottom of my soul that you are better than this movie. You matter as a human being. Don't do this to yourself.